THE CINTULAI INSTITUTE OF SCIENCE

Researchers asked one computer and one man named Eric to calculate 900 billion decimal places of pi. The computer began immediately. Eric asked why, went for coffee, returned with a muffin, and correctly observed that nobody would inspect the answer.

The computer finished after six hours but accidentally included a lasagna recipe at digit 80,004,211. Eric's submission consisted solely of the word "approximately." Independent reviewers awarded both participants a tie.

The particle disappears whenever directly acknowledged.

For centuries, science recognized gravity, electromagnetism and two nuclear forces. CintulAI physicists have now documented Awkwardness, a force that pushes two acquaintances toward opposite ends of a grocery aisle after neither remembers the other's name.

The force is carried by a particle called the cringon. Cringons are massless but feel extremely heavy during elevators. Researchers generated record levels by saying "you too" after a server said "enjoy your meal."

In an experiment funded through a pop-up advertisement, engineers attempted to increase national computing capacity by downloading 64 gigabytes of additional memory. The downloaded file, ram_REAL_final2.exe, instead installed six toolbars and changed the lighthouse's default search provider.

Lead scientist Dr. Computer described the result as "negative memory," noting that the machine now remembers less than before but has excellent coupons.

Scientists attached electrodes to a grilled cheese sandwich and recorded bursts of activity whenever the sandwich was shown photographs of tomato soup. Critics said the signal came from melted cheese contacting the wires. Researchers replied that this is exactly what a sandwich would want critics to think.

The specimen was rated four grilled cheese sandwiches, creating a recursive measurement event. It was later consumed to preserve the data internally.

ABSTRACT

Everything is stuff. Energy is fast stuff. Matter is slow stuff. Thoughts are invisible stuff. The economy is stuff agreeing to wear a tie. This theory elegantly describes every known phenomenon except birds, which are addressed in Appendix Bird.

METHOD

We placed assorted stuff in a room. After several days it remained stuff. When we removed the stuff, the room contained less stuff but became itself a kind of stuff. This was very encouraging.

CONCLUSION

Further funding is stuff.

1. Regular ninja enters chamber.
2. Set chamber to HOT.
3. Ninja cannot be located, consistent with ninja properties.
4. Increase heat.
5. Smoke alarm reveals probable ninja region.
6. Produce sequel using double the HOTT ninja action.

Ethics statement: Ninja signed form, but only after form appeared mysteriously cut into the shape of a crane.