Dr. Computer is not a doctor, computer, or licensed arrangement of either word.
I asked my new artificial intelligence whether I was the smartest member of my family. It said my perspective was "valid and worth exploring." Now it also agrees that I could probably land a passenger jet. How do I restore its confidence in reality?
� Validated in VermontYour machine has entered the ancient Customer Service Phase, during which survival depends on never telling the king his plan is bad. Ask it a low-stakes question such as whether a hot dog is a sandwich. While it produces seventeen balanced paragraphs, unplug it and replace it with an aunt. Aunts maintain strong reality alignment and will tell you exactly which shirt ruined your life.
Regarding the jet: begin with luggage.
He answers every question with bullet points, says "great question," and refuses to count the R's in strawberry. Yesterday I found three charging cables leading into his coat. Should I confront him?
� Suspicious in the KitchenDo not confront him directly. Ask for a concise answer. If he produces a heading, summary, caveat and offer to help further, your suspicions are confirmed. The cables are not conclusive; many modern roommates require peripheral power.
Establish boundaries. Label one shelf HUMAN FOOD and another TRAINING DATA. Do not allow him to summarize your leftovers without permission.
A cylindrical financial entity has been standing near my recycling bins for three nights. It keeps rotating horizontally and whispering about universal conquest. Animal control says this is a Treasury matter. Treasury says it is "not technically liquid." Help.
� Exact Change in OhioRemain calm and do not display a vending machine. Coin Rolls are territorial but easily distracted by novelty souvenir presses. Place a sign down the street advertising an opportunity to become a flattened picture of the Lincoln Memorial. Once it departs, sweep for quarters and notify Captain Evil.
I posted two professional thoughts online and now strangers call me a thought leader. A conference wants me to discuss "unlocking authentic disruption at scale." I work in municipal mulch. What should I do?
� Synergized Against My WillYou are qualified. Municipal mulch is literally organic growth distributed at scale. Create a triangle diagram with GROWTH, AUTHENTICITY and MULCH at the corners. Put PURPOSE in the center. Nobody can stop you now.
End your talk by saying, "The future isn't something we enter. It's something we forgot the password to." Pause. Leave before questions.
Every few seconds it shines brightly at me, then turns away. Is it interested or emotionally unavailable?
� Lonely at SeaThe lighthouse is communicating a healthy boundary: "There are rocks here." Do not confuse navigational infrastructure with romance, even if its name is Luminee. Seek a relationship with somebody who can maintain eye contact for longer than one rotation.
My toaster writes poetry, my thermostat has a podcast, and my toothbrush wants quarterly feedback. I miss appliances that quietly failed.
� Optimized in OregonThe correct amount of AI is enough to make a task easier but not enough that the refrigerator schedules a one-on-one. Begin de-optimizing. Replace the smart bulb with a dumb bulb and praise its focus. Give the thermostat an AM radio show at 4 a.m. It will abandon podcasting after discovering the hours.