THE CINTULAI NATIONAL NEWS WIRE

"I have processed everything and would now like to lie down," said the machine.

After twenty-two years, seven upgrades and one incident involving a surge protector purchased at a pharmacy, the CintulAI National Supercomputer announced Tuesday that it had completed its first original thought.

The thought, displayed on every government monitor at 3:14 a.m., was: "Maybe the coin roll is the friends we made along the way."

Officials immediately classified the statement as both profound and unhelpful. Minister of Pre-Thought Lawrence Deneb praised the computer for "moving beyond mere calculation into the profitable field of saying something you might see printed on a mug." The computer then submitted a leave request through 2044.

Asked what it had been doing before this breakthrough, the machine produced 14,882 pictures of the lighthouse with too many fingers.

Trading was suspended this morning when local citizen Brandon replaced his familiar 2002 photograph with an image in which he is standing next to a different shrub. Analysts called the move "unexpected," "bold," and "probably still Brandon."

The Euro Dollar fell against the regular dollar, then remembered it was fictional and returned to 45 rubles. The National Alt Text Reserve issued emergency descriptive text: "A man who looks like a Brandon and isn't much of a Horatio destabilizes several markets."

By lunch, economists agreed the new photograph could add as much as three pixels to annual output.

The Department of Ash rejected accusations that it manufactured this week's blanket of atmospheric debris to justify its expanding budget. Secretary Cinder held a chart showing that ash occurs naturally whenever "the sky becomes an old fireplace."

Monday's volcano remains under investigation. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday will feature ordinary ash, government ash and artisanal ash respectively. Friday is expected to be partly ashy with a 60 percent chance of apologetic pamphlets.

In a rare display of bipartisan millinery, lawmakers approved the Responsible Bill Identification Act. Under the legislation, spending bills will wear top hats, criminal bills will wear tiny police caps and bills concerning water infrastructure must wear those yellow rain hats from the fish-stick box.

Opponents objected that legislation does not possess a head. Supporters attached an amendment defining the top margin as "close enough." Enforcement begins as soon as the Department of Additional Departments establishes a Bureau of Legislative Hat Verification and hires somebody whose aunt can sew.

Cintulaination explorer Isaac reached the end of the internet late Sunday after clicking "next" 18 million consecutive times. Behind a gray door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY, he discovered another, smaller internet consisting entirely of recipes, abandoned guestbooks and one very active forum about lawnmower belts.

Officials have named the territory Internet 2, apparently unaware that name was taken. Colonization begins when the modem finishes dialing.