HOME > COIN ROLL DEFENSE COMMAND > DECLASSIFIED EXCEPT THE INTERESTING PARTS

THE COIN ROLL DOSSIER

TWENTY YEARS OF CYLINDRICAL FINANCIAL TERROR

TOP SECRET / PLEASE SHARE
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
The Coin Roll begins its campaign

The entity known as COIN ROLL (OF EVIL) first appeared in 2002 in a series of eight and/or 8.5 photographic acts. Initial analysts dismissed the subject as ordinary wrapped currency attached to a finger. This assessment failed to account for its ambitions, horizontal mobility and ability to summon the next comic frame.

By 2004, Coin Roll had vanished. For two decades, world governments assumed it had been deposited. This was incorrect.

In 2026, automated vending systems across Cintulaination simultaneously displayed EXACT CHANGE ONLY. Surveillance footage showed a cylindrical silhouette leaving the National Treasury with its finger finally clear.


TIMELINE OF KNOWN ACTIVITY
YEARINCIDENTOFFICIAL EXPLANATION
2002Coin Roll declares plan to conquer universe.Student photography.
2003Nationwide penny shortage.Pennies unpleasant.
2004Subject loses complete interest.Strategic retreat.
2009Unexplained jingling beneath lighthouse.Lighthouse change.
2017Parking meter pays another parking meter.Professional courtesy.
2026Coin Roll regains complete interest.WE ARE STILL FORMING ONE.
PERSONS / OBJECTS OF INTEREST

CAPTAIN EVIL

Primary opponent. Known for fierceness, finger pulling and announcing that fights have commenced after they visibly commenced.

EVIL SIDEKICK

Whereabouts unknown. Coin Roll has repeatedly asked where its evil sidekick is. Defense Command considers this evidence that the position may be open and strongly advises citizens not to submit a résumé.

FRITZ

Skeletal associate appearing at inappropriate endings. Relationship to subject unknown. Has never denied involvement.

THE NEXT COMIC FRAME

Approaches without warning. Potentially the most powerful force in the narrative universe.

INTERCEPTED COIN ROLL COMMUNICATIONS
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

COIN ROLL: TODAY I WILL CONQUER THE UNIVERSE.
UNKNOWN: Would you like a receipt?
COIN ROLL: NO. HOWEVER, THERE IS SOMETHING ON MY FINGER.
UNKNOWN: Please remove card.
COIN ROLL: THIS HORIZONTAL ORIENTATION WILL WORK MUUUCH BETTER.
UNKNOWN: Unexpected item in bagging area.
COIN ROLL: I HAVE LOST COMPLETE INTEREST IN THIS.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Cryptographers believe "receipt" may refer to a receipt.

CITIZEN SURVIVAL GUIDANCE
  1. Do not panic. Panic may be deposited in rolls of fifty.
  2. Separate loose change by denomination. This encourages internal rivalry.
  3. Never turn your back on a horizontal cylinder, especially one narrating its orientation.
  4. If challenged, claim your mother has unknowingly become addicted to the net and to chat. This phrase previously interrupted hostilities.
  5. Contact Coin Roll Defense Command by dropping a quarter into any government couch.

MAKE CHANGE, NOT WAR

EVACUATE TO HOME � VIEW ORIGINAL INCIDENT � LATEST DEVELOPMENTS